


Herstory

by lookingforthestars



Series: Moments [2]
Category: Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23385250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lookingforthestars/pseuds/lookingforthestars
Summary: Moments in Gert and Chase's relationship, from her perspective.
Relationships: Chase Stein/Gertrude Yorkes
Series: Moments [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1682056
Comments: 3
Kudos: 30





	Herstory

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy! Since I'm holed up at home with all the time in the world to write, I put together this fic. It plays off my other story "History," but it's from Gert's perspective, because once I thought of the title I had to write it.

Gert is thirteen when she has her first serious panic attack, and it’s humiliating.

It’s humiliating because she’s not with her parents or her therapist or even Molly. She’s with _Chase_ , the guy she’s been trying to impress since she stopped thinking that boys have cooties. It’s also humiliating because they’re leaving the movies and there are like fifty people witnessing her complete breakdown – she can still see their pitying looks in her peripheral vision, even as Chase moves to stand in front of her to block them out.

It wasn’t entirely without cause – everyone looks equally freaked out by the man who collapsed on the stairs and started seizing, it’s a scary thing to experience – but they don’t seem to be reacting the same; hazy vision, difficulty breathing, tears streaming.

Chase, or what little she can see of him through wet eyes, looks startled. She’s always been “high strung,” as he would call her, but she’s never fallen apart like this. He moves them over to a quiet corner, tugging at her arm to get her to follow him, and stands between her and the chaos of the paramedics while he fumbles with his phone.

She can’t make out the voice on the other end, but she guesses it’s Dale or Stacey. All she hears over the thundering in her ears is, “What should I do?” He sounds relatively calm, given the situation.

Chase hangs up after a minute, tentatively putting his hands on her arms, just above her wrists. “Gert,” he says gently. “Your parents are on the way, okay? Just breathe. It’s okay, that guy will be fine, and I’m here, just take a breath.”

By the time Dale and Stacey come she’s downgraded from full-on attack to some mild shaking and nausea, and she smiles a little at Chase when they climb into the backseat. He smiles back.

Even if it was embarrassing…she’s glad it was him, there.

* * *

The first time Chase ignores her at school, she doesn’t realize it’s intentional.

By the fourth time he catches her eye in the hallway and turns away, chatting with Brandon or Lucas or Eiffel to avoid any kind of contact with her, Gert finally gets it, and wants to punch him.

Chase Stein – her best friend, her first (and only, really) crush, the kindest person she knows – is suddenly a dim-witted lacrosse-playing asshole. Their friend group has been steadily crumbling since Amy died, she’s not stupid, she sees it happening, but…she never thought it would touch _them_. Because she and Chase have always been different, have always been in their little subsection of the group, have always been _Gert and Chase_. She needs him now more than ever – how can he just leave her?

Gert is nothing if not protective of her feelings, so she creates her own shield, plays along like this is what she wants too. Like it doesn’t tear her apart that she’s alone, except for Molly. She tells herself they grew apart, it happens all the time to people their age, and it’s not her – it’s nothing wrong with her. Sometimes she even believes that.

She desperately needs a change, a way to distance herself from the total implosion of her old life, so she chops off her hair and dyes it purple. She prints pamphlets and wears combat boots and refuses to stay quiet, and when she gets sad thinking about everything she’s lost, she just yells louder. If she’s going to be alone anyway, she might as well be alone while fighting for something she believes in.

* * *

Gert is a traitor to the cause.

For all her talk about “undermining the patriarchy,” she’s well aware that she’s contributing to it. Gert can argue for hours about all the reasons women don’t need men to be happy, or to succeed, and logically, she believes what she’s preaching, wholeheartedly. But it’s hard not to feel like a hypocrite when she secretly pines for a guy who treats her like she’s invisible.

Sometimes, she’s not even sure what keeps her hanging around him. Is it his unfairly attractive face and body? Probably, but there are other hot guys in their school, and dumb jocks aren’t usually her type. Is she just pining for the person she used to know, hoping he’s still in there somewhere? Maybe, but that possibility seems smaller and smaller as time goes on. Is she a glutton for punishment, giving her heart to the one person she can’t have because it’s easier than being vulnerable for real?

All valid theories.

She wastes so much valuable energy thinking about him. So much space in her brain that could be devoted to solving actual problems that matter, like hunger or homelessness or gender inequality. She’s always on a rollercoaster, when it comes to Chase – if she catches him looking at her, even for a second, she’ll be on a high all day, her face burning. And then he’ll turn a blind eye while his friends talk shit to her and she’ll remember that she hates him (should hate him), and she hates herself for giving him any kind of power, for going against everything she believes in just to repeatedly make an idiot of herself in front of him. And she’ll tell herself that it has to end, and she has to move on, whatever it takes.

But she can’t. Gert Yorkes, who champions women’s power to do anything they want, is harboring a secret: she’s powerless to get over Chase Stein.

* * *

She knew this was a mistake.

There are three tents, it should have been simple – Nico and Karolina, Chase and Alex, her and Molly. But Molly wanted to be alone and Nico and Karolina were already tucked away doing god knows what and Chase had been prepared to give up his spot in the tent but Alex beat him to it, already setting up his spot outside.

Which is how she ends up, despite her best efforts, waking up in a sleeping bag with Chase fucking Stein wrapped around her like she’s a body pillow. His face is pressed into the back of her shoulder and his arm is around her waist, legs tangled inside the unzipped bag. She wants to get the hell out of here. She never wants to move.

They’re sleeping in a homeless encampment – _them_ , the children of some of the wealthiest families in Brentwood – and she doesn’t have time to think about this. Doesn’t have time to focus on his warm breath hitting her skin or the faint brush of his fingers over her hip or how good he still manages to smell despite the circumstances.

Gert’s pretty sure that if she stays in this position much longer, she’s going to jump him – potential rejection and thin fabric be damned – so she disentangles herself and quietly unzips the tent, greeted by the smirking face of Karolina. “Good morning,” she says in a sing-song voice that’s clearly meant to be suggestive.

“I thought you were the nice one,” Gert grumbles to Karolina, who is tearing open a box of granola bars that Alex bought with his mystery money. She hands one to Gert, still smiling. “Jesus, _what_?”

“Nothing. Just, uh…you and Chase, huh? It’s like a thing, now?”

Gert sighs. It is way too early in the morning for this. “No, it’s not a _thing_. We’re sleeping under an overpass and it was the best option, unless you or Nico want to share a tent with him.” Karolina looks slightly horrified at the prospect, and Gert is jealous of her complete indifference toward Chase. If only. “We already agreed what happened at the dance didn’t mean anything. So let it go.”

Karolina raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure about that? Because Chase was practically beaming when Alex offered to let you guys share the tent.”

“He was probably just excited to sleep. We’re all exhausted,” she snaps. It’s not quite that simple – Karolina doesn’t know about Chase holding her hand that night in that van, trying to kiss her again just the night before, holding her tightly in sleep like he needed her.

But they are desperate people in a desperate situation and it’s only natural that he would seek comfort in the only available female in their group. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t erase literal _years_ of unrequited pining.

“Gert,” Karolina says gently. “Chase clearly likes you. He told Nico that straight out. Why are you being stubborn about this?”

“Right, he just flipped a switch and now he’s interested in me instead of you?” she responds bitingly, feeling a twinge of guilt at the surprise on Karolina’s face. “I don’t think so.”

“Oh, _that’s_ what this is about. You think you’re the backup.” Gert looks down, focusing very intently on her granola bar. This is exactly the conversation she did not want to have, and she and her inability to keep her giant mouth shut walked right into it. “Do you think of me as Nico’s second choice?”

Gert frowned, her eyebrows furrowing. “No way, Nico’s super into you. What does that have to do with anything?”

“We’re not really that different, Gert. I was pining after Nico while she was dating Alex. Did you know I walked in on them making out once?”

“Oh god.”

“Yeah, it sucked. Nico was interested in someone else, it wasn’t meant to be, and she moved on and now she’s committed to me. How is that any different than what Chase did?”

It’s…not. Fuck Karolina and her perfect logic.

“Also, Chase moved on from me, like, the second he realized I wasn’t interested. Before he even knew I wasn’t attracted to guys and there was no chance. But you told him it was a one-time thing and he hasn’t given up. So if you want to compare yourself to me, Gert, guess what – you’re in the lead here.”

Gert presses her lips together. She’s not entirely ready to accept Karolina’s words yet, but it occurs to her there’s something else she’s way overdue for. “Sorry I said all those shitty things to you when I was jealous. You didn’t deserve them.”

Karolina smiles and shrugs. “Sorry I said all those shitty things to you when I was denying my feelings for Nico. But, hey,” she reaches out and squeezes Gert’s arm. “Everything worked out the way it was supposed to, right?”

Maybe not yet. But…hopefully.

* * *

She’s so _stupid_.

Gert knew this would happen, so how did she let it?

_You were always going to leave, weren’t you?_

Everyone told her to take a chance, to open her heart, because Chase cared about her, he wanted to be with her.

It’s all bullshit.

Gert can’t sleep in her room, _their_ room – even though he moved into his own room a while ago. But he was still there, close, even when he was angry with her, and she knew he would always be there if she really needed him. She told herself time would cool everything down, they would fix this, and they did, for about five whole seconds.

She thought everything was okay. She thought they were okay.

And then he left. Because Victor Stein – the man who beat Chase for years, who almost _killed_ him, is sick. Because no matter how hard they fight, their parents always seem to come back stronger. Because he’s a coward. Because she’s not enough.

_Being here, it doesn’t feel right anymore._ She knows he doesn’t just mean them, but all she can hear is _being with you doesn’t feel right anymore_.

She did it to herself. He already left once, why did she convince herself that he wouldn’t do it again? Why was she so weak and pathetic to give in to him, to start picturing some kind of future with him, especially after all that fighting about Smith – why the fuck was he upset about her not asking him, when he wasn’t even going to be around? – knowing, _knowing_ deep in her heart that this was how it would end.

Gert tries to cry quietly, because she knows Molly is hurting too – Chase is like a big brother to her, always has been – but it’s no use. Molly shifts on the small bed, wrapping her arms around Gert, and they both let loose tears that Chase doesn’t deserve.

* * *

_I love you, Gert._

She has to ask him to repeat it, because the words seem impossible. She’s wanted to hear them for years – has run them through in her head a million times – but she never actually thought he would _say_ it.

Gert wants to reciprocate. Because it’s true, it’s always been true. Because Chase is looking at her with so much hope in his eyes that her entire body is weak. Because they might die tonight. and she has nothing to lose.

Except that’s not true. There are only two outcomes here – either she says it back and drags him into her room to make love again at the end of the world, and he dies and she loses him all over again. Or they both survive the night, and Chase takes it back, because he doesn’t really mean it. He _can’t_. How can anyone leave someone they love – twice?

He begs her to say something, anything, and she has to actively hold back the words. Sometimes she wishes the dance never happened. That he and Karolina had ended up together after all and she’d just _moved on_. Because she has loved and lost, and she can safely say that it’s better never to have loved at all.

“You should get ready. We’re gonna leave soon,” she says, voice emotionless, because she refuses to let him do this to her again. He’s not the love of her life, they’re not meant to be together, soulmates don’t exist, it’s all one big fucking lie.

She pushes past him, down the stairs, not looking back. Chase doesn’t follow her. No surprise there.

* * *

It’s a weird thing – forgiveness.

Gert had no intention of forgiving Chase. Ever. She was going to keep pushing him away until he was finally gone. The thought killed her, but it was the best thing for both of them – they were never actually going to make it work.

And then everything changes. He risks himself to protect her through the Dark Dimension, respects her relationship with Max even though he clearly hates it, and encourages her to follow her dreams to Smith. Even if he's not part of it.

So she forgives him. And then she dies. Allegedly. That’s a little fuzzy, which Gert is okay with. She doesn’t think she wants to know the details. Images of Chase bleeding to death in her arms are already enough to fuel her nightmares for years.

Gert is not a person who trusts easily. But she does believe people can change, and she can’t deny the compelling evidence that Chase has changed. That he will stay. That he stayed even when she was gone. It is all of these things, the small and the life-altering, that finally convince Gert of the truth of Chase’s words. He loves her. He’s here.

“You can’t leave again,” she says that night, after the other Chase dies and her Chase climbs into bed with her, holding her tight as she tries to process. It’s too much. She might never process. “I don’t think I can forgive you if you leave again.”

Chase sighs. She feels his chest move against her own. “I wouldn’t expect you to,” he murmurs into her hair. “You won’t have to make that decision, okay? Ever. I’m not going to lose you again.”

Forgiveness is part of relationships. Karolina forgave Nico for (seemingly) killing Jonah. Nico forgave Karolina for lying. Tina forgave Robert for the affair. They’ve all – to some extent, at least – forgiven their parents. People are imperfect, they make bad decisions. Not everything is forgivable, maybe, but many things are.

Gert is scared to forgive, but willing. She’s willing because Chase – for all his flaws and dumb ideas and bad decisions – is the love of her life. His mistakes are outweighed by the good, his kindness and bravery and intelligence and beauty.

She doesn’t know if Chase will leave again. She doesn’t think so. But, regardless. It’s worth the risk.

* * *

“How was class?” Chase says through a mouthful of ramen. His hair is a little messy and Gert runs her hand through in a futile attempt to calm it as she kisses his cheek.

“Good. I had an excellent debate with the TA about the role of social media in setting unrealistic standards for women. You?”

Gert doesn’t understand much as he recounts his physics lab, but that’s fine – he doesn’t understand much of what she says either. She just likes to hear him talk. It’s nice, coming home to him, especially when their lives are no longer in constant danger.

She would like it better if she didn’t still need to worry about Molly running around saving the world, but whatever. Molly has proven she can take care of herself.

Gert pulls a bag of trail mix out of the cabinet – just to tide her over while she makes dinner, she tells herself, although more likely she’ll get tired and order pizza instead – and watches him, smiling at his visible enthusiasm. His face is so expressive. He’s like a human emoji.

What happened after they found out the truth about Pride changed the natural course of their lives. Sometimes Gert feels like she never grew up beyond that moment, like she’s still frozen in time there. Sometimes she feels so much older than nineteen, like running and fighting added forty years to her life. Hardly anyone recognizes them, here, which is nice, but it’s also weird – to look around and see thousands of kids who are the same as her but not. Who haven’t lived through the end of the world multiple times, who haven’t been betrayed by the people that were supposed to love them, who haven’t put their lives on hold just to _survive_.

Chase understands. They have a shared experience that no one outside of their group will ever get. No one will ever really get _them_ except each other.

“What?” he asks, smirking because he knows Gert hasn’t been paying attention. He doesn’t seem annoyed though, probably because she has an adoring look on her face that even she can feel.

“Just…” Gert smiles. “Thinking that I’m lucky to have you.”

He grins back. She loves him so much.

* * *

“It’s gonna be okay, Gert.”

It doesn’t feel like it is. It feels like she’s dying. Like _Lace_ is dying.

“I think…I think you should reconsider what your parents offered,” Chase says slowly, cautiously, running his hands through her hair in a soothing motion. “Separating from Lace.”

Gert shakes her head fervently before he even finishes speaking. “No. I _can’t_. I can’t leave her now.”

“You’re not, you’re not.” He kisses her temple. “We’re right here. But it’s hurting you, Gert. And if your parents can’t figure out what’s wrong and she gets worse, I don’t know what will happen to you, you remember the last time Old Lace got sick-.”

“Chase.” She puts her hands on his face, turns him toward her. Her voice is a little weak, mostly because _she’s in so much pain holy shit_ , but she tries to sound firm when she says, “You have to trust me. If we’re connected, Lace will keep fighting for me. But if I take that serum and disconnect, I don’t know what will happen to her. And I’m just…I’m not ready to lose her.”

“Okay.” Chase nods. “Okay.”

He holds her all through the night as her parents run a battery of tests on Old Lace, and all Gert wants to do is pet her, but she’ll just get in the way. Also, it’s kind of hard to stand up when her chest is squeezing tight and she can barely breathe. Stacey keeps asking about her symptoms, to speed up the diagnostic process, until Gert finally falls asleep from pure exhaustion.

She wakes up after who knows how long – they’re in the basement, so there’s no outside light to tell – and immediately feels frantic when she doesn’t see Old Lace.

“Hey,” Chase says quickly, clearly seeing the panic on her face. He smiles and she instantly knows he was right – everything is going to be okay. “She’s fine, Gert. She ate something toxic while she was hunting, a plant or something, I don’t know, your parents were talking really fast. But they isolated it and synthesized an antidote. She’s going to be okay.”

Gert collapses against him, half laughing and half crying as Chase rubs a hand over her back. “Thank you.”

“You scared me, you know,” he says quietly. “For a while, I thought I might lose you too.”

“I know. I’m sorry. But thank you for trusting me, anyway.”

Chase leans back, giving her a soft look. “Always.”

* * *

“I have…something I want to ask you.”

Gert frowns. He sounds nervous, which is unusual – the last time he sounded this weird was when he’d proposed. “Shoot.”

Chase licks his lips, putting a hand on her stomach and brushing his fingers lightly over her bump. Well, it’s more than a _bump_ , now, she’s close to seven months along. “I want…” He blows out a breath. “I want to name her after my mom.”

He looks up at her, uncertainly, and she gets it. Chase and his mother have…a complicated history. She was just as guilty as the rest of their parents, and Gert still doesn’t love how little Janet defended Chase against Victor when he was younger. But. She had sacrificed her life for Chase and Karolina to escape from Jonah. That wasn’t nothing.

“I know there are like…a million reasons why that’s weird,” he says when she doesn’t respond. “And I won’t push you if you don’t want to. We should both agree on her name. But I keep thinking about it and it just feels right to me.”

Chase is so forgiving. He still talks to his mom at least once a week – he jokingly refers to them as _Skype calls_ – and Victor at least once a month. Always about projects, though. It’s not like he has the most trustworthy advice on being a husband and father, even if things have improved somewhat.

Gert rests her hand over his, squeezing his fingers lightly. “I’m okay with it.”

His face relaxes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. If she hadn’t stayed in the algorithm, you might not be here. _We_ might not be here. So.”

She can tell from his smile that he’s thinking the same thing she is – they’re lucky. They survived so much, figured out how to be happy together, and in a few months their _daughter_ will come into the world, greeted by loving parents and a whole gaggle of aunts and uncles who will spoil her and a dinosaur that will probably try to sleep in her crib.

It’s as good as this life gets.


End file.
